Several years ago I had a disturbing conversation with a friend about how some teenage boys were presenting with signs of depression but what they were actually suffering from was a pornography addiction. It is likely not surprising that males, aged 11-17, are at the most risk for developing a porn addiction. Personal devices, high-speed internet and abundant availability of material are a dangerous combination when it comes to teens and porn. 

Not only can a porn addiction mimic symptoms of depression (isolation, withdrawing from activities and socializing, decline in academic performance, etc.) but, more alarmingly,  it can also seriously interfere with the sexual health of their future relationships. Pornography addiction can lead to (among others):

  • an inability to become aroused
  • emotional disconnect from your partner
  • aggressive sexual behaviour 

Psychology Today says, “The adolescent viewer’s brain is being wired to expect that sex and relationships are separate from one another, and that men and women’s bodies should be sexually exaggerated as they are in porn which can lead to shame about one’s own body as well as failure to be aroused by the bodies of others.” I would highly recommend reading this whole article. 

Yikes! This is scary! And this is not what I want for my son. Or his friends. And I want to tell them all but Nicholas would kill me and it isn’t my place (unless they’re in my health class). I had no idea how serious this could all be and I am grateful I found out when I did, just in time, I believe. So, now you know, and now you get to think about having this slightly awkward conversation. 

Here are my own personal tips for tackling difficult subjects like this. I have been known to take Nicholas through the McDonalds drive through and then trap him in the car in the parking lot while he eats his McNuggets and wishes he were somewhere else!

Tip # 1 

Don’t Ask Personal Questions

Some experts might say otherwise, and I am no expert, but I do have my own experiences. I won’t ask Nicholas if he has ever watched or seen pornographic images (pretty sure I know the answer) and I certainly won’t ask him how much he sees it or watches it (definitely don’t want to know). The conversation (conversation defined as me talking, he remaining silent and hoping it ends soon) needs to feel safe and non-threatening. My goal is to make sure he gets the information only. Neither of us needs to be distured by the sharing of personal details. 

Tip # 2 

Don’t Expect a Response

Usually our conversations go like this:

Me: I want to talk to you about (insert topic). Blah, blah, blah for about five minutes. 

Nick: Ok. (Backs out of room to get away from me)

And that’s ok. He heard what I had to say and sometimes, later, there might be a follow up question or comment that lets me know that something I said resonated with him. At most, I might ask Nicholas what he heard me say. 

Me: Nick, what did you just hear me say. 

Nick: Don’t watch too much porn.

Me: Define ‘too much’.

Nick: You define it. 

And this is when I know something I have said has landed.  

Tip # 3 

Follow Up (a week, a month, a couple of years later)

Nicholas and I first had the porn talk when he was 12 or 13.  I thought that would have been enough and that he would never be able to forget that conversation or the things I had to tell him. Then, just over the holidays, I started thinking about it again and I asked him if he remembered the conversation we had about porn a couple of years ago. 

Nick: Nope

So, we had it again. I don’t think he’ll forget this time. I think pornography was an abstract idea when he was 12. Maybe not so much anymore. 

Tip # 4

Have These Hard Conversations Early and Have Them Until You’re Dead

It is far less awkward for kids to hear information about a topic that they don’t have experience with yet (puberty, drugs, sex, relationships, porn, etc.). And having those early conversations opens up a window for healthy communication with you (if they should ever want that) about these sensitive topics. And the more of them you have, the easier it becomes. 11-13 year olds are great targets. But, even if you have missed this window, it is never too late to start. And by avoiding asking those personal questions, your teen will feel less threatened and will not have fear of judgement (or hysteria) from you. 

Tip # 5 

Stay Educated Yourself

Pick a couple of people to follow on Twitter or Facebook and stay current with what you need to know to help our kids navigate this ‘exciting’ time in their life. I like following Joanna Schroder on Twitter.

This conversation is too important not to have. The health of their future relationships might depend on it. Good luck! And don’t forget my McDonalds trick!